I never thought that a life-changing event, a major milestone, and what essentially saved me, would just be me getting tired of the way things were.
I don't know what I expected would turn me around. I guess I never expected to change. I thought I would chase that high until I died.
But I'm not doing that, oh no.
I said "Fuck it. I'm sick of being the fuck-up, the one they waste their useless prayers on, the one the worry about, the one they expect to OD, be shot, be beaten and raped. Fuck that."
And now I'm doing better much better, and the plateau I'be hauled myself up on isn't shaky. It isn't miles of possibilities balanced on a single point. It's as stable as I make it, and I'm making it surprisingly fucking stable.
I'm becoming someone else, slowly, someone I like, someone who doesn't go for weeks without looking in the mirror. Someone who isn't a fuck up, By myself.
No illusions, no medication dulling my senses and making me okay with a terrible life. No cajoling false gods to fix things. Just the things I carry within myself.
I'm changing, becoming someone else, someone with a future, and I'm doing it on my own.
Suck it, universe.