The people who spit their gum into urinals are dicks. Every time you do that, you rob a janitor of being able to go a day without having to reach into a urinal and handle something inside.

I'm not even a janitor and I think that's outrageously inconsiderate. Gum-spitter, I'm going to find you and take a shit on the windshield of your car.

they're much more fun to flush than toilets!

Normal urinal etiquette:

If you're alone, then go to the nearest urinal. (Skipping over the short handicapped-accessible urinal, if one exists, is okay).

If there's someone else also using a urinal, position yourself so that there is one urinal between you and him, if possible.

If the line of urinals is packed and you have no choice but to be directly next to someone, then go for it.

Enforcement of space between people is relaxed if the urinals have dividing walls between them.

Eyes front. Back straight. Stare at the wall. Just like in an elevator.



Weird urinal behavior:

The guy that uses the urinal right next to you, despite several other urinals being available and nobody else being in the bathroom.

You're at a urinal, alone. You picked the closest one to the door. A guy walks in and walks all the way across the room to be as far away from you as possible while he pees. This is actually far more distracting and weird than the "peeing too close" behavior.

Guys that noticeably drop their heads down, staring at (presumably) their dicks for the entire time, and without any subtlety. I can relate, I'm quite proud of mine too, but have some tact, man.



Urinal behavior I want to popularize:

Swiveling one's pelvis about, so as to get an even coat of urine across the porcelain. Like you're an oscillating fan.

Slowly walking backward while peeing and trying to get a higher and higher arc going before you run out of fuel and have to move in for the dismount. Bonus point if you get a stranger to duck under the stream to get to his urinal.

Doing that bending-at-the-knees up-and-down bob that John Lennon always did when he was playing guitar, emphasizing that you really enjoy pissing. This should be done as if to music that only you can hear.

Instead of doing the traditional "shake", doing "the helicopter". And cackling gleefully while you do it.

I think it's funny to sneak into men's restrooms and take pictures at the urinals.

It's best when I am looking especially feminine.