There's all this fuss nowadays about waterboarding has just made me want to undergo it myself. I've heard interviews with government agents that have gone through torture conditioning and still admit that they can't take a minute of waterboarding without breaking (ABC News says "CIA officers who have subjected themselves to the technique have lasted an average of 14 seconds before caving in"). It must be godawful, but there's something alluring about the challenge of withstanding it.

I had a dream last night that I was tracking down the members of a small group of people and interrogating them one by one, often with grisly torture. The premise of the dream seemed to be that I had found the people involved in my brother's murder and they wouldn't confess the truth of why someone had him assassinated without violent coercion. Handcuffs. Guns. Duct tape. Knives. Fire. Explosives.

One of the more interesting parts of the dream involved me setting up a bomb. I had a guy handcuffed to a piece of machinery in a factory and then I rigged up a bomb directly below him, underneath the metal grating where he was standing. The bomb had two wires just barely dipping into a glass of water, and it was set up to explode when the water evaporated enough for the current between them to be cut. I tossed the guy a knife so he would have the option of cutting himself and bleeding through the grating and into the glass to buy more time. I walked away and didn't care to check up on the result.

It wasn't a bad dream, though. I woke up a little inspired. Just a little darker than I'd like to be.

Why do I torture myself like this? I get so close to him. We talk and smile and have fun. I play in his hair, he touches my leg. We flirt with each other like mad. Then, at the end of the day the fact that I have a boyfriend creeps back up from the depths where I had been forcing it down. My boyfriend makes me really happy and I really like him, but we don't get to see each other much. I don't feel very close to him. I miss him like crazy when I'm not with him but I still need someone to be here with me. I feel bad, but this guy is so sweet. I think he genuinely cares about me. I love talking to him. He's just amazing. I really wish I could have the best of both worlds. i can't though and one day I'm probably going to have to choose between them.